End conspiracy of silence, advise children on sexuality

Qn. Teenage pregnancy is no doubt a problem in society and as a mother of a teenage daughter I have endless nightmares of what would happen to her. How can I best talk to her on sexuality without triggering a rebellion that would only worsen matters?

In 2012, the Kenya Literature Bureau published a book that is in my view essential reading for all parents, not just those with teenage children.

Titled Let’s Talk About Child Sexual Abuse, author Dr Wanjiku wa Njoroge takes children, parents and teachers through 33 short chapters that have been described by those lucky enough to have read the book as life-changing.

I had the privilege of writing the forward to the book, and held the view that “A very scary thought that faces children, parents and the community is the thought of child sexual abuse.”

As perhaps might apply to you, the forward continues, “Despite the high rate of child sexual abuse, discussing this subject is regarded as a taboo in most households”… The guide also aims at preventing child sexual abuse from happening.

It is intended to educate children so that they can avoid becoming easy targets for sexual attackers, including in some cases family members.

Have you heard of this publication? By courtesy of The World Bank and Kenya ICT Board it now exists in an electronic version. I would strongly urge you to get a copy of the book and use it as a starting point for your conversation with your daughter about teenage pregnancy.

More often than not, parents feel paralysed and are unable to find a suitable starting point. The book is a suitable starting point as it addresses many pertinent topics.

It is true that we bring our children up to respect adults, but we must at the same time make it clear that some adults have evil intentions with the children. The children must be taught that their bodies are their own and that there are such things as a good and a bad touch.

Importantly, both boys and girls must be taught that the sexually evil people are sometimes people they trust and who live among them. Uncles, cousins, grandparents and even Church ministers cross the line and could be the ones who make the girls pregnant!

Sadly, most parental accounts paint the picture of monsters as the perpetrators of sexual abuse, leading children to only look out for outsiders as the source of danger.

Tragically, many girls become pregnant as a result of family friends and other family members taking advantage of the friendships around and within the family.

It might help your child if you told her about other children who came to harm because they were forced to suffer in silence.

Some children are told that they are at fault for what has happened, while others are totally unaware that they can say no to an adult member of the family or Church.

You need to tell your child about grooming. Child abusers take time to plan their evil. They groom or entice the child over a period of time.

They do not just pounce! They buy them sweets, toys and sometimes give them money. Other children are taken to movies, shopping and even to Church outings.

In time, the molester increases the extent of his (or her) reach to the child’s sexual organs and by the time pregnancy takes place, the child is the victim of a long period of prey by the attacker!

These are difficult topics to discuss but being a parent can sometimes be a challenge as you now know from your endless nightmares.

So, even as you wake up every morning, ask yourself who is talking to parents, teachers and children about their sexuality.

Chances are that nobody is and the closest they come to such a conversation is on TV, social media or some pornography sites! Worse still, the only other source could be the perpetrators of abuse in the process of grooming the children for the attacks!

Is your family, Church or neighbourhood group able or willing to go beyond the conspiracy of silence?

Are you prepared to ask some hard questions? Do you know where such sexual acts take place? Did you know that many take place in the home? Did you know that seemingly good adults do bad things?

Chapter 12 in the book tells the children “Your body is yours alone…. Your teacher, father, mother, brother, pastor, uncle, cousin, the house girl or house boy or any other person should not touch your body in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable.”

If this answer has sounded like yet another nightmare to you, then it is time for you to get up and mobilise, for the sake of your daughter and others in need of your help and caring.

It is clearly a subject that keeps many parents awake at night, mostly because society treats it as a taboo.

Let’s talk about child sexual abuse (and pregnancy).