How to condole with bereaved entrepreneurs and family

When Otieno’s* mother died, it surprised close family friends that he did not seem particularly grief stricken. He welcomed guests as was his custom when she was alive and seemed to them to be completely oblivious to the fact that she had succumbed to cancer.

His aunties, deeply concerned about this state of affairs, committed themselves to make him cry openly, the juncture at which they believed he would truly have grieved his mother. That did not happen.

No matter how many stories they told him about his mother’s angelic demeanour and how much they would miss her kind acts, Otieno simply acknowledged the stories and moved on to other things.

Almost at the end of their wits, they came up with the master plan. They would place Otieno at the church exit where he would be confronted by sobbing mourners. Surely, they thought, that would do the trick.

Their plan was thwarted — not only did Otieno not break down, he became the source of solace to the friends who had come to condole with the family.

Unbeknownst to the aunties, he had come to terms with his mother’s death and had, during her illness, accepted her imminent departure.

These aunties should really have been concerned about Otieno’s nephew who had been deeply attached to his grandmother. He was filled with despair upon her death, a sentiment compounded by uncertainty about his future now that his benefactor was not more.

Alas, he was sent back to boarding school the day after the funeral. He still has not recovered fully from this event more than five years on.
Close friends imagined that Otieno, being a well-known business man, was in control of the family’s affairs.

What they did not know was that he and his siblings had had difficult relationships from childhood because they perceived Otieno to be their parents’ favourite. Their mother’s presence moderated their behaviour. Her death exposed Otieno to their undiluted bile.

It is by God’s grace that one friend perceived that all was not well and, through gentle probing, uncovered the brewing storm.

By bringing together respected friends from various professions, they quickly devised and implemented a strategy to contain the conflict. This kept Otieno’s family business from collapse.

Friends of leaders of family business should, as they comfort them during times of bereavement remember that they are particularly vulnerable during the period of mourning, are part of a larger family and are looked up to by the local community.

They should be accommodating as they mourn in diverse ways, remember to focus on other members of the family even though they may not be as prominent and offer to freely give of their skills and abilities after the bereavement.

Not everyone mourns in the same way — some are unusually distant or disengaged, others overreact while yet others concentrate all their attention on guests.

While friends may not understand or agree with the their friends mourning styles, they should spend as much time as they can with them and allow them to express their grief as they see fit.

Because leaders of family business tend to be the most prominent members of their families, mourners inadvertently focus on them during the bereavement process, forgetting that there are family members who may be even more affected by the death.

Leaders’ friends should make effort to comfort as many family members as possible rather than focusing entirely on the leader.

Mourning families need support after the funeral when guests leave them to their own devices. It is at this point that important decisions must be made, brewing conflicts nipped in the bud and strategies to deal with an uncertain future mapped out.

People imagine that leaders of family business have everything together and that they can pay professionals to perform such tasks for them.

While this may be true, close friends should offer their time, talents and special abilities to help the bereaved family. Such gestures are far more meaningful than cash or flowers.

Mr Mutua is a Humphrey Fellow, leadership development consultant and author of the book “The African Prince” available on Amazon Kindle. [email protected].