Let your husband mourn death of close friends to overcome loss

Two months ago, my husband had a bad accident that claimed two of his best friends. He luckily survived with a broken leg and some facial injuries. Although he is healing quickly and doctors say that he would drive again in six month time, he has been very down and unable to shake-off the feeling that he was responsible. I would like to help him recover emotionally but I don’t know how. Words like, it was the will of God do not seem to help.
Please advise.

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We are told by the experts that elephants have an incredible memory and that like human beings, seem to mourn the death of their loved ones for many months.

Experts also tell us that following the death of an elephant, its relatives go into a state recognisable as mourning, in which they appear to be in pain and anguish.

Humans go into state of similar mourning as a normal reaction to the death of a loved one.

It seems as though your husband is a normal person, faced with the abnormal situation in the death of two friends from the same accident.

At this stage, I see no reason for concern because mourning is normal and should largely be allowed to proceed without too much interference. There are, however, some circumstances that should lead to concern.

If, for example, your husband is so incapacitated by the grief that he is unable to eat or sleep, and if he is so distressed to function at home or at work, then perhaps he might need help from a mental health professional.

It would also be necessary to get help if the mourning is so prolonged that a year after the event, he is still unable to function.

You must also remember that grief follows not only due to death of a friend or relative, but also loss of a business empire. In the past few years, we have seen a number of entrepreneurs in this type of crisis. Some go on to commit suicide.

Your husband is now in a social crisis in that he has lost the very people he could have used as support pillars in the type of a crisis he now finds himself in. With both gone, he has no one to lean on.

Socially, he feels isolated. His withdrawal, sorrow and loss of sleep and appetite are the physical components of the loss.

It is also worth saying that the greater the bond he felt with his friends, the greater the pain of the loss.

It is for that reason then perhaps the greatest sense of loss comes to those who lose a child, followed by a spouse and a parent. Even with these categories the important consideration is the sense of closeness to the person lost.
It is, therefore, possible that your husband is going through an emotional, cognitive and behavioural, social and philosophical crisis, and we hope that in time he will get over it.

There are some myths about mourning that must be and dispelled. For example, many, including some counsellors, believe that crying is a mandatory part of the process.