Wellness & Fitness

Using children to fulfil your goals often backfires

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Over-controlling and over-protective parents who force their children to study particular subjects at university could unwittingly brew rebellion. Photo/FILE

My daughter, now in her second year at a national university, has refused to come home during holidays opting to stay with friends. At first she wanted to study abroad, but we declined her request. She was angry with us but we discussed the matter and thought it was over.

She has since been making myriad demands and we have noticed that she is angry with everybody. We want her to go through her undergraduate training in Kenya and perhaps take her masters degree abroad if she wishes. But we don’t know how to handle her current state.

Please help.

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The most telling sentence in your question is, “we want her to go through her undergraduate training in Kenya and perhaps take her masters degree abroad if she wishes”.

Therein lies the problem. You have already planned her future for her. Although many possible explanations exist for your daughter’s behaviour, it is possible that you have been overbearing in the way you have determined what her future will hold.

A few weeks ago, we saw a 21-year-old woman who had dropped out of a third university and who had taken to drinking and smoking bhang ‘‘to feel normal’’.

She was brought to us by her parents who had come to the end of their tolerance and who saw it as their duty to get her back on the ‘‘straight and narrow’’, once and for all. It was clear that we were dealing with over-controlling and over-protective parents.

This was obvious from the very beginning of their contact with us. First, they kept time and were shocked to find that we had not finished with the patient who was ahead of them that morning.

Best way forward

When they walked in the father was at pains to explain that although they were seeking some help, 10 minutes of waiting to see a doctor was evidence of poor planning.

Long before we got to the issue of his daughter, he had explained how his office runs. He proceeded to produce a set of notes that he had prepared to help him introduce the subject that had brought him to us.

He also indicated that after his opening “submissions”, his wife would be next before allowing his daughter to “defend” herself. After that a discussion on the best way forward would follow.

He explained that that was how he carried out business, and that was how his family was run. When we suggested that there might be a different way of dealing with the case, and that he must allow us to see the daughter first, he almost fell off his chair.

On his way out (with his wife) he was mumbling about how humiliated he felt to have to change his approach to the problems of his daughter.

At the reception he was heard complaining that this was a total waste of time because the daughter would never open up to the doctor.

When they left the room, the daughter sat up and simply asked, “would you live in a home such as ours? Have you ever imagined living in a military camp? That is where I have lived all my life, obeying orders and never allowed to think for myself.’’

She went on to explain that she had wanted to be a lawyer all along. Throughout high school she had admired the big names in the law practice. She explained that she admired female lawyers mostly because they were able to articulate their positions with confidence and clarity and they carried themselves with confidence.

She wanted to study law to be able to argue her case with her dictatorial family. She felt that together with her siblings they needed to wage a war of liberation from their parents. Sadly, that was not to be.

Successful

Her father was a successful businessman in real estate and farming. When “counselling” his children, he would show them a copy of a letter inviting him to the University of Nairobi, in the 70s, and would go on to explain that he gave up university education because his parents were too poor.

He had decided that all his children would study medicine, engineering and architecture — to show off his success to his peers who had gone to university when he couldn’t.

Plead as she did, the girl was forced to accept a place to study engineering at a local university. She was a bright girl and did well in the first year. After that she was bored and wanted to study law. Her parents refused and found her a university in the UK, hoping that a degree from abroad would appeal to her.

She came back six months later on the advice of the university’s psychiatrist. She had been very depressed.

When we saw her, she had just left a local university, again, where she was studying engineering. Her parents were fed up with her behaviour and wanted us to advise her that studying law was a foolish idea.

Many sessions later, the parents understood underlying reasons that led them to push their children to study their chosen courses and the girl understood her motivation for wanting to be an advocate.

To what extent are you trying to actualise yourself through your daughter? Have you tried to find out what your daughter is telling you by being so rebellious?