Instilling positive behaviour

“How best can I discipline my teenage daughter without shouting at her? She doesn’t seem to take simple instructions and I am fed up of having to shout at her every time before she can do the right thing.”

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Many years ago, a 12-year-old girl died at home because of the exact type of issue that you raise. The girl had asthma and over the years she had learned that her parents only paid attention to her when she was having an asthmatic attack. Without an attack, they were too busy doing other things. In the course of time, the parents realised that this child was perhaps better off if they did not pay any attention to her during an asthmatic attack. This was, after all the advice they had received from a young psychologist. This initial response to the problem was good. Things were to turn tragic later.

The parents were not informed that emotional stressors are an important precipitant to some asthmatic attacks. One day, the girl had a severe attack, both parents assumed that this was her usual way of attracting their attention and they continued with their daily activities. The more severe the attack became the more the parents ignored her. This was, after all the expert advice they had received.

IN THE END, THE CHILD COLLAPSED AND DIED.

This rather frightening story is intended to show that it is very important to understand child development and in particular to understand the psychology around the theory of attachment. Insecure attachments can lead to this type of outcome. Your daughter seems to crave for your attention and the only way she is able to presumably draw your attention is when she is so difficult in her behaviour that you have no choice but to shout at her to get her to do anything. Like the girl with asthma, this she has learnt over the years.

I would suggest that you Look back and see how long this kind of behaviour has been going on. You might find that this behaviour has been present since a very young age. This might be a long standing way of relating to her and so the problem is not new.

Whenever she wants attention from you, she misbehaves. It is this misbehaviour that leads to her gratification when you pay some attention to her. This kind of challenge with parenting is not uncommon and is sometimes associated in later life with a condition we call, ‘Abnormal attachment disorder’.

Children who are very clingy to their parents are thought by lay people to be very close to their parents. The opposite is indeed true. Children with safe attachments to their parents do not cling! They are happy to be away from their parents because they feel confident that parents will always be there for them and they will not be abandoned. It is the insecure children who cry on first day of school because they fear parents might never come back for them.

The problem with this kind of in an insecure attachment is that it sometimes follows the child to adult hood. In adult hood, the insecure person develops low self-esteem, is unable to develop trusting long-term attachment and is unable to have either intimate or even platonic relationships of any meaningful kind or duration. In a romantic relationship, they feel insecure and are always afraid that they will be abandoned. They are afraid to let their partner out of their sight. In the early stages of a relationship this might feel like true love but later it becomes too controlling and suffocating.

Other symptoms of persons who have this kind of insecurity in their attachments include, a sense of detachment from friends and family and not caring about their feelings. Such people are often very angry and are unable to give or receive any form of love or affection. When you talk to them, there is often a history a past of childhood trauma or abuse.

To change this kind of relationship with your daughter, and depending on her exact age, it might be sensible and appropriate for you to begin paying attention to her when she is exhibiting good and positive behaviour. For example, and this applies more to younger children, it would be appropriate for you to ensure that you encourage her to come close to you when she is doing the kind of things that she should be doing. In other words pay attention when she is being good. Over time, good behaviour becomes what you reward in her.

Sadly, and instinctively many parents only pay attention to their children when bad behaviour is exhibited. Psychologists have understood this kind of situation over many years and are able to change children, adults and even animals to continuously emit the positive behaviour that is desired. Try this method and see what you get.