There are boys, and then there are men. Sometimes, boys don’t turn into men; they succumb to an inertia of emotional growth. Then there are kings. Men turn into kings, but not all men become kings. Some live and die as men. However, kings have to lead and mentor men and hold their hands through the complicated labyrinth of manhood. Because otherwise, a crown can perch on a rock and get bows.
These are thoughts from Anthony Hutia Mungai who is passionate about gender roles. He mentors men under the Adam’s Project, which he founded to “rest men to the original Adam Design. Responsible men who are supposed to take dominion.” All this was catalysed by a series of events that involved the collapse of his first kingdom.
When he isn’t running his kingdom, Anthony oversees Samsung’s Mobile Division. His career has spanned the computer software industry and sales, business development, and intelligence.
He’s a father and a husband, a “two-star General”, as he refers to his second stab at marriage.
You said you are turning 50 in October. You have aged well; time has been kind to you.
Yes, time has been kind. That and getting a young wife. I mean, I'm in round two. I usually call myself a Two Star General. Each marriage is a star. [Laughs].
Are you a better general this time around?
I believe I am. It’s a choice. A relationship has two people, so you can never relate to yourself. You have to make choices and compromise on some issues. It’s give and take and whatever choices that you make on that journey have to be favourable for both of you.
Of course, these are lessons I didn’t know the first time I got married and it’s what I teach young men in my mentorship programme. The thing is, we often marry because it is a right of passage: it is time to get married, so you get married, but you don’t really know what you’re doing. And many people don’t.
The most interesting part is you plan for your education and prepare for your career, but you never concurrently prepare for this big part of your life called marriage. Nobody mentors you or tells you what you need to do and at what stage for that preparation.
Everybody assumes that because you're a man, you know how to do manly duties. Imagine if you were raised by a single mom - as is the case now for many children - and you never saw your father, how do you get to know how to be a husband? How to be a man in the house? That's why mentorship is critical.
What have you learned now that you wish you knew at the beginning?
One, marriage is not just some rite of passage you have to go through. You need to be intentional even in the person you choose to marry. I believe you should get a partner who's a helper, just like the Bible describes. The helper comes to help you to achieve a certain mission.
As a man, you have a purpose. I tell my mentees that they're first boys, then grow to become men, then kings. You don't become a king without being a man first.
Head of Mobile Experience Division at Samsung East Africa Anthony Hutia poses for a photo on July 17, 2024 at West End Towers in Nairobi.
Photo credit: Billy Ogada | Nation Media Group
What makes one a King?
You have to have a purpose and a reason for that kingdom. You must also have the values and foundations of what you want in that kingdom.
Are you a king?
I am a king.
What is your kingdom supposed to achieve?
One of the things is raising godly men, or men who get to know their purpose and make a difference in this world. In short, your kingdom should mould a generation responsible enough to create a better future for the next generation. We are but vessels, created to serve a purpose. And to know what problem you're supposed to solve, you have to communicate and talk to your creator.
I was raised in church, believing in the church, and trying not to sin. In my church, sexual sin was not tolerated. So when I got that opportunity to get married, it was one of the biggest milestones, a reward. But the problem was that I was going with the flow, I wasn’t intentional. She was the prettiest of them all, and we were a couple of men fighting for her. I won.
Next, we were having babies and seven years into it, I felt I was not getting what I was looking for in the relationship. So, in year 10 the marriage broke. The funny thing is that as the marriage was breaking, we were active in church, doing premarital counselling. There I was encouraging people to get married while my own was falling apart.
The irony.
I know! And when it breaks the church doesn’t know how to deal with that. They scatter because they don’t know how to help. I had nobody to turn to. I felt alone. That’s when I discovered that these church issues are all bull****, excuse my language. It’s all for selfish intentions and interests because I had to walk alone for a very long time and get even new friends after that.
After two years I remarried and I was determined not to go through the church process again. I didn’t care for it. I went back to my maker to understand why I had to go through all that, and why my marriage ended. Because had I not had sex before marriage like the church had asked me not to? Had I not done everything that was required of me? So why had my marriage failed?
You were a virgin when you got married?
No, I was not. But she was. I got into the church very young. I grew up in Nairobi; Eastleigh and Jericho. My father worked for the Kenya Bus Services and my mother for the government. I'm the firstborn in a family of four and that meant I had to be responsible. I was always on the straight and narrow. I was a good and obedient boy.
What do you think is the right age for men to get married?
That's a very good question. The early 30s would be ideal. I believe a man should to marry a woman who's at least eight years younger than him. Ten is ideal. This agemate business doesn’t work.
What baggage are you leaving in your 40s as you step into your 50s?
Pleasing people. Somebody told me that I always think about people more than myself. I’ve already started taking care of myself first without delegating that responsibility to other people, either my wife or friends. Even the Bible talks about loving your neighbour as you love yourself, meaning you have to love yourself first to have that capability of loving your neighbour. I also want to mentor my children
How is fatherhood going?
Interesting. I have a 14-year-old from my first marriage, a 19-year-old girl, and a 10-year-old from my second marriage. I adopted my 19-year-old when her father passed away. We have a famous Kikuyu saying: “You take an elephant with the tusks.”
How did you get a child like that to accept you?
We started living together when she was nine, so we've been on this journey for 10 years. Now, that does not mean that I've been accepted in the way you're putting it now. She calls me Mister T and not Dad. She has always called me Mister T from day one and I don't insist that she calls me Dad. This isn’t the old African custom when you bang your hand on the table and say, “ I am your father. You cannot address me like that.” However, the funny thing, when she talks to her friends she refers to me as Dad. [Laughs]
Which decade of your life did you enjoy the most?
My 20s to 30s. That was fun.
Why?
I was engaged in many creative activities like drama and acting. I was involved in many church activities and grew much during that time.
My 30s and 40s have been a bit of a struggle. This is when I was moulded, having experienced a failed marriage and got into the second one. It was also when I was shining in the corporate world while my home was crumbling. It was a time I realised that even the people that you consider to love you, love you selfishly.
My revelations came in the last half of my 40s that I need to consider myself and my life moving forward.
Do you miss the church?
No, I still do the church, but I do it differently. I realised that church is not what I say, it’s what I do…my actions. The church that we have, most of it now is more talk and not what you do. I moved from the idea of the church - because a lot of it is religion - and went to what we call the kingdom, which has principles and foundations on what you need to do.
Is your kingdom running seamlessly now having all this knowledge and insight?
No, nothing ever runs seamlessly. We live our lives in seasons. What we would love is to live in summer. However, as sure as summer is there, winter will have to come. But we never prepare for winter. So in every part of your life you are in, there is that component of the summer and the winter. What you need to do is be prepared for both. So even now in the kingdom, there are all those things.
My biggest struggle now is time to do everything I need to do. I'm trying to mentor my children, Gen Z but they have a life of their own. I discovered that we are vessels. As parents, we want to dictate what kind of life our children will live or what kind of people they're going to be but you realise that you are just a conduit and it's hard to dictate to your maker what they're going to do with you.
There is a need for men to step up but also a realisation that men don’t know what to do. Nobody taught them what to do. The girl child has been trained and told what to do and has been guided very well. Not the boys.
