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What CEOs learned from their first heartbreaks
From left: A photo combination of Jubilee Health Insurance CEO Njeri Jomo, Zenka Country Manager Duncun Motanya, Programme Director for Mercy Corps AgriFin Sieka Gatabaki and Luton Medical Hospital Executive Director Albert Mandela.
If the first lesson of love is that heartbreak is the shadow of its light, then the second is that each generation ends up living the life of the one before. In other words, to love is to risk getting unloved, or unrequited, or loved differently.
It’s a battlefield, with no wanting of victims. It is a landmine, that is no doubt, but it could also be a goldmine, a tiny mustard seed falling on fertile soil. The birthright of love is heartbreak, and it keeps being handed down. Now as then, this was true in 2001 as it will be in 2101.
In the esprit de corps of St Valentine’s Day, I picked up my phone and called a few CEOs. My goal? To lift the scab of their memories and take a peek inside their worst heartbreak: has it been a signpost on the way to a truly fulfilling relationship?
How has heartbreak defined how they love, or conduct relationships?
Beneath their calm confidence, does love, or the idea of love, turn them into little boys and girls too? It’s like lifting off the corner of the universe and looking at what’s underneath. What is it that Socrates said? To be wise and love exceeds (wo)man's might.
Njeri Jomo - CEO Jubilee Health Insurance
What do you remember about your first heartbreak?
Can I even remember? I think I forgot all about it, probably a case of self-preservation! If I had to guess, it was probably a mix of disappointment, a few reflective moments, and then life moving on as it always does. Time has a way of making those moments feel less significant compared to everything else.
What is a key ingredient for a successful relationship?
That would be adaptability. People grow, life changes, and challenges come up. The ability to evolve together rather than apart is key. Add communication because assuming the other person knows what you need is a recipe for frustration.
How has your definition of love changed over the years?
It’s evolved. Once upon a time, I thought love was all about butterflies, long phone calls, and “good morning” texts, blame it on too many soap operas and Mills & Boon novels! It felt like love had to be grand, dramatic, and straight out of a movie.
Love is in the everyday things, someone bringing you tea without asking, knowing when to give you space, and standing by you even on the tough days.
Do you believe in Valentine’s Day? If no, why? If yes, how are you celebrating Valentine’s Day?
If Valentine’s Day is a chance to be a little more intentional and celebrate the people who matter, then why not? Just as long as it’s not the only day effort is put in. If you only feel loved once a year, we have bigger problems.
Duncun Motanya - Country Manager, Zenka
At what point does love stop, and logic rule?
Tough one. I don't think there's one answer to your question. Mother's love never stops. Interestingly, that love defies every logic. However, for couples, love stops when either party breaks the trust bestowed upon them.
It's not a hard stop but an erosion catalyst. I also think love stops when couples don't allow the gift of time to reveal various phases of relationships, which eventually restores the hard-wired qualities that make us human, such as forgiveness and kindness, to replace betrayal, anger, and resentment that are responsible for stopping love in its tracks.
Is it possible to love your enemy? Especially do exes who break your heart turn into enemy? And can they still be loved?
Patty, granddaughter to newspaper tycoon William Randolph was kidnapped at gunpoint from her apartments 10 days before Valentine's Day in 1974.
She would later fall in love with her abductors, adopting a new name "Tania' and in April he participated in robbing the Hibernia Bank in San Francisco. So yes, it's possible to love your enemy, however, they call it Stockholm syndrome (lol) Anyway, there's one ex who broke my heart years back. We didn't talk for years but now we do and we are friends. How it all happened? I guess time.
I don't think it's about forgiving them for what they did but our hearts "heal" with time and we don't harbour hard feelings throughout.
I can be more intentional when I pause to think of my partner, and true love lies and is anchored in deepening my relationship with God. God is love. Christianity offers great teachings and practical lessons for loving right.
Are there mistakes you made when (you believed to be) in love?
"Believed to be" lol. I ignored the red flags, more like the hunch, that sixth sense aka intuition. The other mistake is around putting in more time for corporate life at the expense of nurturing love and relationships. Looking back, I think there's room to create a balance and, if not choose love over your boss.
Sieka Gatabaki - Programme Director for Mercy Corps AgriFin
What do you remember about your first heartbreak?
She said the guy that makes her laugh was just a 'friend', turned out his game was good, I got dumped, and was down for two weeks, a tough time for an 18-year-old.
How do you feel "seen" in love? Also called love language?
I guess words of affirmation, I spend most of my time affirming others and appreciate when it is turned to me. Acts of service are also important, as a leader I first serve others and again when I receive the same it feels good.
What did you know about relationships then that has helped you now?
The biggest lesson has been not to hold on too tight or too loosely, finding the balance between this is where amazing relationships are nurtured.
Do you believe in Valentine's Day? If no, why? If yes, how do you mark it?
It is a great ritual to remind ourselves that love has to be intentional. I will be cooking dinner for my partner as we share gifts and written letters about our experiences with each other.
How has your idea of relationships and love evolved over the years?
When I was young, love and relationships were driven by emotions and feelings like attraction. Now I give more importance to friendship, common interests and vision, and general compatibility across different dimensions of the relationship.
What do you remember about your first heartbreak?
Very well. End of my first year in university. I cried for six months.
I never thought I would recover. But what I remember most about it is that it made me look for a job because, in my assessment at the time, she dumped me for someone who had more money to spend on her. That’s how I started working while studying. A path to adulting love.
Albert Mandela - Executive Director, Luton Medical Hospital
Is it possible to love your partner unconditionally?
Yes, but within certain limits. Love is the definition of unconditional, but it must go hand in hand with respect and other qualities. Unconditional love can’t stand on its own; other pillars support it.
What has loving others taught you about yourself?
That I am a lot. I have been very difficult to love so far. I think I have to be more considerate and less selfish to fully appreciate the love I receive.
Are there mistakes you made when you believed you were in love?
I made many mistakes, but the most glaring of them all was tolerating someone who is a bully. A bully in the sense that everything revolved around them.
Do you believe in Valentine’s Day? If not, why? If yes, how do you celebrate it?
I believe in it. I value all occasions that allow us to express our love to the people around us. So yes, I believe in it—it’s another opportunity for me to take a trip.
