Wellness & Fitness

Your adolescent son’s animosity towards dad could be a cry for help

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This negative behaviour could be his way of hitting back at a seemingly uncaring world as he goes through this difficult stage in life. PHOTO | FILE

I’m struggling with how to manage my teenage son who has developed an unexplained negative attitude towards his own father. His dad loves him so much but he doesn’t seem keen to change. Help.
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Some years ago, we published a book with Oxford University Press which gives some insight into the challenges of bringing up children, and adolescents in particular.

Under the title, What’s wrong with this child? A Guide for Parents and Teachers, the book is intended for parents and teachers, and I would recommend it to you.

That said, you have asked an age old question which I suspect might have bothered Adam and Eve! There is nothing in the Bible that tells us how they coped. Luke 2:41-52 records the story of the 12- year old Jesus who got lost for three days causing his parents great anxiety.

When they eventually found him, his explanation was astonishing and his mother stated, “Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you.”

Happily, and as we now know, Jesus grew up in wisdom and stature and in favour with God and man.

This story reminds us that bringing up children, including Jesus, has always been a challenge to parents.

The simple reality is that there are “Tsunami” like changes taking place in the teenager, ranging from biological, social, psychological as well as emotional. These take place against a context such as family, which itself may or may not be going through its own challenges.

You point a finger at your son who you say has developed a negative attitude towards his own father. Let us assume that your teenage son is 16, in Form Three and lives with you, his parents. Presumably, his father loves him very much, but also loves you, (his mother) very much, and being a “modern family” is able to show his affection to you with comfortable ease.

At the age of 16, and on account of raging hormones, a number of changes are taking place rapidly in his body. Some of the changes are obvious and he easily copes with. The rapid increase in height and physical strength are fine and are most welcome.

The acne on his face is a total nightmare. Not only does it itch, it distorts his face, makes shaving impossible, and he is not allowed a beard at school. The more he picks at the pimples, the bigger and more infected they become, and the more the girls talk about how ugly they look!

The same hormones that make his acne so bad are the same ones that are driving a sex urge that he ill understands. He dare not wonder if you have a sexual life! He’s ashamed to discuss with his father who clearly has a good relationship with you, his wife.

Low self-esteem now sets in. The girls keep away, as do the other boys who do not have the same challenge.

Life is unbearable, and anxiety and depression soon set in. With depression comes poor concentration, low energy levels followed soon afterwards by declining class performance.

It is then that the teachers start to complain that he does not seem to show any interest in his school work and his grades soon drop further.

Self esteem goes even lower as he now loses everybody he had, including his teachers!

It is then that he finds cannabis, alcohol and cigarettes. His parents remain together and do not seem to notice anything is amiss! What you now see is a stoned teenager, who has “a negative attitude towards his own father.”

What I see is a very depressed 16-year- old who has for the past three months been crying for help, and not finding it, and has turned to drugs! That however, is a rather extreme and scary scenario and there are other possible explanations.

By the very nature of adolescence, mood changes are the norm, and as one would expect, the range of the swings varies from one teenager to another and also from time to time. It is also influenced by the family environment.

A common cause of the type of negative behaviour towards parents that you describe is due to depression in teenagers. Depression in teenagers is very common but sadly, is neither recognised nor treated. Some parents are too ashamed to bring their obviously depressed children for expert care.

In clinical practice, when we talk to depressed adults, almost all of them are able to trace their depression to their teenage days.

Such adults remember feelings of sadness and hopelessness, irritability and anger as well as tearfulness. Others recall a time of declining school performance, changes in eating and sleeping patterns, and, as in your son’s case, withdrawal from friends and family (including his father!).

Have you considered the possibility that you and his father are good parents but depression is slowly stealing your son from you? You do not have to be a bad parent to have a depressed teenager!

I would suggest that you have him checked out by an expert, just in case.