Think of your family needs before taking a ‘companion’

Q. I was transferred to a different town and left my family in Nairobi. I leave work at 5pm and have nothing much to do. I am tempted to look for companion or quit my job and go back to my family. I am in a dilemma.

A. You surprise me by the simplicity of your thought process and must wonder what sort of work you do. The alternatives you set for yourself are to put it simply, ridiculous, and clearly you have not given the matter any thought. It cannot be that you either find a companion, or quit the job! There must be other ways of dealing with “having nothing much to do from 5pm.”

Let us look at your dilemma closely and see if you have other ways you can deal with being in a different town.

If for example you are now working in Nakuru or Nyeri, I can see no reason why you cannot do what many others have done before you. A lady I know finished a Masters degree in medicine while stationed in Nyeri.

All it meant was that she wanted the degree enough for her to start her journey at 5am daily and to get home to her family by 9pm. She is now a grandmother and does not regret her choice to study so many years ago. So, how far is out of town and how much do you want to be with the family.

Another family I know dealt with the man working in Nakuru by him coming home on Friday evenings and staying with his wife and children all weekend, and leaving for Nakuru on Monday morning. Three nights out of four at home with the family is more than many families who live in the same town can be able to claim as normal.

In yet another case, the man got himself a small flat in Kisumu, while the rest of the family remained in Nairobi. Their two young children were guaranteed two weekends in a month with their grandparents while their mother had two weekends a month in “honeymoon mode” with her husband. Years later, the couple still misses the two years they lived separately.

For another couple, being away from each other was the time for personal growth. With their two children in weekly boarding school, he had the chance to follow his online MBA course from a university in the UK while she finished her accounting degree in a local university.

The children and parents spent time in Mombasa or Nairobi once a month. Because they had missed each other a great deal during the month they spent quality time together. This arrangement of taking time away from the spouse for personal growth can be most fulfilling.

There is however an aspect of your question that I find disconcerting. You seem to suggest that a “companion” is an adequate substitute for the family and that all you need is to get one (or many) and all will be fine.

Is that what you really mean to say? Are you sure a “companion” will get you the quality of life you miss from your wife and family? This leads me to wonder if you truly have a family life that you think you have. If a random companion will fill the hiatus, then think again. What you have might not be a family.

The Bible has many things you might want to consider before you see a companion in the new town as a serious alternative. 1st Corinthians 7:4 states “For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” If you are a Christian, then you have the answer right there!

If you are not, then you might want to think carefully what you want in the companion. In the strict sense of the word, what you are looking for is a friendship, fellowship, togetherness and intimacy of body and soul.

Thought of this way, one has to be challenged to wonder how you will be able to face your family when you get back to Nairobi either over at the weekends or at the end of the month.

If you are of the Islamic faith, or are married in a potentially polygamous union, then you have no problem. You can plan to take up another wife for each city that you find yourself working in now and in the future.

As you can see, working in a different city from your wife creates both challenges and opportunities. Think about your present and future and make a decision according to your family needs and your core beliefs.