Seek experts for your miscarriage trauma

Question: I suffered a miscarriage about a year ago which has left me traumatised. I break down whenever I spot toddlers. How can I overcome this?

*****

A few years ago, we saw a young woman who was a carbon copy of what you describe! A year after a miscarriage, she had developed symptoms of a severe depressive illness with marked anxiety. At first, and just like you, she had become very teary at the sight of toddlers.

In her mind, she would unconsciously calculate the age her baby would have been had she not miscarried. For this reason, she was afraid of going out in case she met or saw a mother and baby. As her situation deteriorated, she avoided church, shopping malls and all social gatherings.

She spent more and more time alone, initially reading and watching TV, but in time even these activities came to an end because they sometimes brought back memories of motherhood. What had promised to be a happy event had become a living hell.

When we saw her, she had lost much weight, was severely wasted and neglected and was crying all the time. Her hair was long and untidy, and she had not had a shower for several days. She had attempted suicide twice and felt her life was no longer worth living. A diagnosis of a depressive illness following a miscarriage was made.

Subsequent to her hospitalisation, and on a combination of medication and therapy, she began to feel better and opened up to the doctors.

Her story was tragic. Her husband had left her after five years of marriage, because she kept having miscarriages. The latest was the fifth in a row. At the age of fifty, her mother-in-law had persuaded her son that she was getting too old to wait any longer to be ‘named’. She advised her son to get another woman who could have children. He accepted this advice and took off with the house help.

Our soon to be patient was left to fend for herself, even as she went into the inevitable depressive illness. Her problems were far from over. She was an only child, and her mother also applied pressure on her to get a child before she became an ‘old’ woman. After all, all her friends were on to their second and third babies.

The pressure to procreate was no longer subtle as aunts were sent with clear messages on the effects of age on a woman. It was at this stage that she concluded that even God was not on her side and death was her only viable option. She survived the near-death experience.

She was in hospital for three weeks and in counselling sessions, a number of themes begun to emerge. She was the second woman her husband had parted ways with. It turned out that even the first wife had kept having miscarriages. What if all those spontaneous abortions were not her fault? What if the problem was due to some other factors? What if the husband’s sperms were at fault?

When she got out of the hospital, she was much stronger, and used the skills of positive thinking she had been taught at the hospital. She had also become more accepting of herself. It is then that she decided to look after herself. Regular exercise, sleep, and meals became the order of her day. She groomed herself as she had not done for a long time. She looked and felt good. She remained in contact with the therapeutic team and learnt a great deal and she went back to church. She said she now understood that God had plans for each of His children.

A few months after leaving hospital, an uncle took her to his fold and encouraged her to go back to university for her master’s degree. There, she met a man and soon they were dating. The rest, as they say, is history. When we last saw her, she had two children, and said she was happily married. Her former husband who took off with the house help was on to the third, or is it fourth union without children!

He was the problem not her. Sounds familiar?

All too often, women are blamed for infertility for no scientific reason and it is best for you to get an expert opinion on this matter. You must get somebody to tell you why you had the miscarriage and what can be done about the consequences of miscarriage.

For example, unknown to many women, miscarriages are very common. Up to 15 per cent of women in their 20s who become pregnant end up with a miscarriage and they don’t even know that it was there.

With age, miscarriages become more common. As you can see, this is a most complex subject and only a doctor will help in your case.