A recent post on a popular Facebook group for mothers of teenagers sparked debate after one parent shared her shock when her son announced he had a girlfriend.
The post drew hundreds of comments, with many mothers admitting that teenage romance is a common yet unsettling milestone in parenting. Most confessed they were unsure how to handle it, often choosing to step back and wait for the “love bug” to fade as their children grew older.
That casual declaration, “I have a boyfriend” or “I’m in love”, can throw any parent into a tailspin. In today’s world of social media and shifting values, navigating a teen’s first experience of romance can feel like a minefield. Should you ignore African culture or take a more open approach?
BDLife spoke to experts for insights on how parents can guide their children through this stage. Child psychologists say such moments are natural, and parents should offer guidance and steer their teens through first love.
Annita Musyoki, a clinical psychologist, says it’s normal for teenagers to feel they are ‘in love.’ “During adolescence, the brain’s emotional centre matures faster than the reasoning centre, which is why these feelings often seem so intense,” she explains.
This intensity is further amplified by constant exposure to social media trends, from TikTok couple challenges to Instagram ‘soft life’ posts.
According to Ms Musyoki, these crushes are part of identity formation, curiosity, and the need for belonging. In fact, the more secretive a family is about romance, the more intense these first-time feelings can seem to a teen.
Constructive response
So, how should a parent respond? The first step is to stay calm. “A simple response like, ‘Thank you for telling me, how do you feel about that?’ opens the door to trust,” Ms Musyoki, who is also a digital mental health consultant, advises. She warns against harsh reactions like, ‘You’re too young for such nonsense!’ which often cause teens to shut down and hide their relationships.
“A calm, curious reaction keeps you in the loop and gives you a chance to guide them.”
Ms Musyoki adds that instead of interrogating their teens with questions like ‘What does he/she want from you?’, parents should ask reflective questions. For example: ‘What do you enjoy about spending time with her/him?’ or ‘How do you feel when you disagree?’
“Parents can even normalise it by sharing lightly, ‘When I was your age, I liked someone because they made me laugh. What about you?’ This helps to keep communication open,” Ms Musyoki says.
However,parents should be alert to certain behavioural changes. “If your teen is withdrawing from family and friends, showing a sudden drop in grades, guarding their phone excessively, or experiencing emotional ups and downs tied to the relationship, those are red flags,” Ms Musyoki notes.
“The key is to check in with concern, not confrontation. You might say, ‘I’ve noticed you’re quieter lately, are you okay?’ This signals care rather than control.”
Building trust
She emphasises that when a teen shares they are in love, they are testing whether you are a safe person to confide in.
“That moment is golden,” she says. Trust is built through small, consistent actions, like keeping their confidence instead of gossiping to relatives.
Boundaries work best when set collaboratively. Instead of strict bans, agree on healthy limits together, like no late-night texting to ensure enough rest, or encouraging group meet-ups over private dates.
“A statement like, ‘I trust you, but let’s agree on safe times for chatting so your studies don’t suffer,’ shows respect and builds cooperation.”
Ultimately, handling these moments with empathy creates a strong safety net. “A teen who feels trusted and respected today is more likely to turn to you tomorrow when navigating bigger challenges, like heartbreak or peer pressure,” Ms Musyoki concludes.
Reason together
Barnabas Achoki, a pastor, advises parents to identify with their teenager, normalise the issue, and create a safe space to reason together, referencing Isaiah 1:20: “God invites us to ‘come, let us reason together…”
He suggests inviting your teenager to reason with you about the relationship, asking if they are ready to care for another person when they are still under your care. “The Bible says ‘Don’t awaken love before it’s time.’”
A common fear is that strict rules will alienate the teen. Mr Achoki stresses that parents should first normalise the situation.
“Provide a safe space by listening to their teenager, even if they don’t agree with them.”
He warns against being strict, lecturing, or trying to control them.
“At this age, your role is more as a coach rather than a controller.”
How can parents discuss topics like purity and respect in a way that engages a modern teen?
“Start by asking open-ended questions,” says Mr Achoki. “Be curious instead of being a know-it-all. Share your own challenges with relationships at that age.”
He also advises positive framing. “The use of dos and don’ts doesn’t work. Try not to be legalistic. Talk about the positives of healthy relationships.”
Instead of just forbidding physical intimacy, explain how it can complicate lives and relationships, and emphasise the importance of honouring one another.
For Mr Achoki, the goal is not necessarily to stop the relationship, but to “develop a healthy relationship with your child where they feel safe to share anything.” A wrong approach can cause them to shut you out.
“Have an open-door policy,” he urges. “So that, like the prodigal son, even when they go astray, they will always come back to you. Above all, let them know that whatever they do, you will always love them.”
What does love even mean?
When your teenager tells you (the parent) they are in love, Jennifer Muthoga, a parent coach at Jijali Wellness in Nairobi, advises that you should first try to understand what love means to them, how they realised they were in love, why they have chosen this particular person, and what they value about them.
Why? Because infatuation is more like a paper fire, which burns brightly, quickly, and ends just as fast. “So, encourage them to share how they knew they were in love and share your own experiences,” she says.
Sharing your own experiences can be helpful, but Ms Muthoga recommends keeping them age-appropriate. Likewise, prepare a safety net, as many adolescent relationships end, which can be distressing for your child.
“So, in your mind, think through how you are going to help them in the event the relationship doesn't work out.”
Nevertheless, Ms Muthoga observes that some teenage relationships do grow into marriage later on. As the outcome is uncertain, she advises asking what they envision for their future and encouraging them to take their time, because neither person is prepared for the full responsibilities of dating, starting a family, and building careers.
“Advise them to grow into it slowly and achieve other goals. If their relationship was meant to be, then it will be.”
So, when should you start this talk? “Begin this conversation as early as possible,” she says. Everyday moments, such as scenes in the television shows you watch together, can be used to gently ask whether they have a boyfriend or girlfriend.
Starting early also reduces the risk of only finding out once things have escalated, such as an unplanned pregnancy.
“I have had to offer loss and grief therapy to a 12-year-old because the boyfriend stopped loving her, and she wanted to commit suicide. So, the earlier you start talking about these things, the better.”
Should you meet this boyfriend or girlfriend? “Yes. Meeting them helps you get to know them. So, when they come over, cook for them, make them some treats, and talk with them, because the closer you bring them to yourself, the easier it will be to tell when there is a problem. And when they get comfortable around me, then you will be able to pick more of how the relationship is,” she adds.
This first meeting is not an interrogation. Ms Muthoga suggests simple, respectful questions about who they are, what they enjoy, what they aspire to, why the relationship feels special, and how they understand being in a relationship.
On the flip side, common mistakes parents make, she says, include panicking, demonising the child, lashing out, and issuing threats.
Most parents, when their child says, ‘I have a boyfriend,'’ think back to their own experiences: 'How was I with my first boyfriend? What did we do?' If I went all out and raved, I might assume that is what my child is doing. Of course, I don’t want my child to end up with heartbreaks before finding Mr. Right. So, stay calm and discuss it as rationally as possible.
