Power of confession and seeking forgiveness

Some 20 years ago, after I graduated from the university, I got married and we had one child. But then, we divorced (or rather went our different ways). I did not hear about the mother and child but recently I got an email from my ex-wife (if I can call her that) saying she will be coming to introduce the child to me.

The point is that I re-married and have three children but I have never mentioned about this other “family”. I don’t know how to handle the situation. Help.

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Sadly for you and others like you, there is no simple answer available. In a sense, you must now bite the bullet and make a decision. Whatever you do, there will be some tears, heartache and a significant backlash from either the 20-year-old “child”, his/her mother or your now happy family of three children and a wife.

Whatever advice I give today must be seen as generic, and your particular case must be handled as such – a special case.

Let’s start with you and your wife. What is the nature of your relationship? Are you friends, do you talk “deep stuff” or is she simply an acquaintance of a wife? If you are truly good friends, being married for 20 years, she could well be a person you could turn to as a friend and consult her as such. Friends come in handy during such times.

By now, you know her well enough to decide when is a good time to go to the deep end. Is it Friday during dinner at her favourite restaurant, or is it Sunday morning before church? Can you do it at home or is it best on a weekend together at Naivasha or Machakos? Some prefer Zanzibar while others will travel to Dubai for such discussions.

In your calculations of time, place and emotional setting, there are several other considerations to make, and which determine the timing and place.

After telling her, what is her most likely reaction? She might, for example, to your total surprise tell you that she has always known, and that her mother-in-law (your mother) told her before you married her. If that be the case, she makes life much easier, and she becomes part of the solution.

Hell for both

On the other extreme, if you are in a remote island in Thailand when you tell her, and she begins to shout and scream about how the devil has entered her life and how her life is now turned upside down, then the next few days in Thailand might be nothing short of hell for both of you.

In your planning, therefore, be sure you allow for either surprise. In the latter case, be sure that you or your wife can escape from the aftermath of your confession to allow space and time for recovery by both parties.

If indeed you have a good marriage, you must take comfort in the knowledge that she, scream as she might, is not a fool who wants to throw her marriage in the face of indiscretion of a reckless 20-year-old bachelor who has been a fool for not confessing.

To put it simply, a solid marriage built on a rock can withstand much insult from past errors of judgment. Be ready to confess, ask for forgiveness, but most importantly ask her for help in dealing with the children.

Although there are many shades of grey before you come to the other extreme, remember that each marriage has its own peculiarities. Let me explain.

If you already have a shaky relationship with your wife, and for the past year she has been threatening to leave you because you are jobless, sexually weak, drink too much and do not respect her, then the news of an old family becomes, in a manner of speaking, the final straw that breaks the camel’s back.

It becomes, for her, further evidence of your incompetence and inability to control or manage your affairs. The final nail in the coffin of your now dead morality, incompetence and unacceptable values, made worse by poor judgment.

No regard is to be given to the fact that you were a young bachelor, and that it is indeed your first wife who decided to migrate to Australia where she has been for 20 years. That you did not know she would ever come back.

You are a spineless, incompetent liar and that is reason enough to move to the divorce court. This scenario is also extreme and must not be allowed to be seen to be anything beyond being an example of the extreme. The middle ground is more common.

We now come to the four children. Do they have a right to know? If so, when are they told, and by whom? What effect might it have on them?

The answer again depends on many factors, including their ages, state of health as well as your relationship with them. If in this marriage you have three girls, in their teens, they might be thrilled to know they have a strong, well-educated, handsome older brother.

Your son, on the other hand might be excited to hear that you are, after all, not dead as he had been told by his mother. The scenarios are almost infinite and only a hard bite of the bullet will set you free.