Silent victims: Why abused men don’t leave

Whilst a majority of victims of domestic abuse are women, abuse against men is also rampant but often goes unreported.

Contrary to popular belief, domestic abuse is not just physical— it can be emotional and financial as well. When it comes to men, abuse by spouses/partners tends to be emotional rather than physical.

Unlike physical abuse which can often be proven by the presence of visible scars, emotional abuse is difficult to demonstrate. It causes us to undermine what we think about ourselves and makes us lose our self-worth.

Linger at work

Men rarely tell anyone that their partners are emotionally draining them. Instead, they tend to immerse themselves in other activities in attempt to ‘block out’ that part of their lives.

If you ask them about their relationship with their partner, they are likely to lie and say ‘‘everything is fine’’or ‘‘we just have the usual ups and downs of marriage’’ instead of owning up to the abuse. Often, men do this because they do not want to appear weak.

Abused men are more likely to linger at work, taking on extra duties because they do not want to go home. They may also take to abusing alcohol and drugs.

When at home, these men excessively watch television, play video games, hide behind books or the Internet to avoid interacting with their spouse.

Some men become extreme risk takers whilst others slowly sink into depression and become suicidal. Ending an emotionally abusive relationship is never easy.

Most men in this position lose their self-worth and often feel that they cannot find another partner to love and value them.

Society’s attitude

In addition, most emotionally abused men are in denial about the reality of their relationship challenges. Some men stay because of the fear of losing access to their children once the marriage dissolves.

Others are held down by lack of resources to move on or multiple joint ventures with their partners. In a few cases, religious beliefs may prevent a man from ‘walking away from his family’ even if he is being abused by his partner.

If a Kenyan man walked up to a group of his friends and tried to explain to them that his partner is emotionally abusing him he is likely to be met with a lot of scepticism and ridicule.

He would be advised to ‘man up’ and ‘take charge’ of his relationship. This outdated approach to relationships has contributed to the silence surrounding emotional abuse yet it happens to men from all cultures and all walks of life.

In fact, it is thought as many as one in three men are in emotionally abusive relationships— it is time to break the silence.