Caroline Ndung'u: A marketer with unlikely marriage tips

This interview, that happened over breakfast, at Sankara Hotel, was meant to explore the question of whether consumers really care about a bottle; instead we discussed marriage with an impressive brevity and sincerity on Carol’s part.

A friend – a big fan of yours – told me that this interview wouldn’t be legit if I didn’t ask you about your divorce. Is it something that you want to discuss or is that a classified topic?

(Laughs) It’s no secret that I was divorced from my first husband. I then got married to my second husband with who we are now estranged. From my first marriage, we had one child, a girl, then two children from this second marriage. The second marriage isn’t nullified, but we are pretty much estranged.

In retrospect, what could you have done differently in your first marriage?

I was young and straight out of university. The problems I encountered in the marriage were purely of a fundamental nature, a time when I was at odds with my being. At some point, I was faced with the choice of dying spiritually or choose to be Caroline and step out.

My dad told me this at that point – and he might probably not like me mentioning it – that “if you can’t be the best of who you are in this marriage you have to leave.” If I had stayed on, I wouldn’t have flourished.

Then came the second marriage…

I think the second time I was trying to demonstrate to others that it could be done a second time. I mean, who makes the same mistakes twice? (Laughs). It was great at that time; I was in my 30s, we bought a house, got two babies in quick succession then relocated to Senegal where he was posted.

It’s in Senegal that the moment of illumination happened, it brought home the holes in our relationship. I was a housewife, doing little else but pick and drop the kids from school, work out in the gym.

I always wanted to be a housewife but after a while, it wasn’t working, so be careful what you wish for. (Laughs). Anyway, I think the problem with the second time is that we didn’t properly evaluate our compatibility.

After two marriages, aren’t you the best person to give advice on marriage dos and don’ts?

I am? (Laughs). First, you have to submit to God before you submit to a fellow human being. I think before anyone gets married, they should have proper counselling. I realised from my experience, that people carry a lot of baggage and luggage from previous experiences…

What’s the difference between luggage and baggage?

Luggage is good, baggage is bad. When you don’t do proper counselling which helps us to properly navigate fears and equips us with proper tools to help handle the challenges of marriage, they are bound to fail. It’s also important to understand each other’s love language.

That’s a new one, what is a love language?

It’s the language of affirmation. There are people, like me who are practical; you’ve got to show your love by doing things - not saying things. Then there are people who get affirmed - love the words or gifts etc. If you don’t understand your partner’s love language, or him yours, there will be a problem.

How have those two marriages changed you as a person?

Are you sure this is a Business Daily interview? (Laughs)

I know! It’s beginning to sound like women’s magazine interview, let’s agree to blame the cold weather!

(Laughs). To answer how I have been changed by the marriages, I think they have made me more doubtful. I suspect people more; I’m constantly asking myself, ‘can he be with me after my past and kids and my age?”

Are you going to marry again for the third time?

(Laughs hard) What do you think?

You have an irrepressible and abundant spirit. I think you will stick in your oar a third time.

(Laughs) I think I will. Sometimes I want to be single forever but on some days I don’t want to grow old alone. I did an Alabastron class and they told us that you first have to free yourself from the shackles - from the story in your head, that monster in your head before you can find happiness and contentment again.

Besides, my daughter always tell me that they will all leave the house one day and that’s why I need to be “situated”, meaning to get someone. (Laughs).

OK, enough of that hearty-feely stuff, let’s give my editor some meat now. What do you do in your free time?

I read. I exercise. I do gym. I go for Zumba classes. And I run, I love running, I do like 10kms every Saturday morning.

Your voice is quite husky; do I detect a story about booze in there? (No pun intended here!)

(Laughs) No, I’ve always had a husky voice although I don’t mind a glass of something once in a while. So it could be Meyers Rum with Coke or red wine with my meals, or Johnnie Walker with Coke, or Tusker Malt. I drink according to mood.

You have conveniently only mentioned EABL products.

(Smiles) Of course. I only buy EABL products, it would beat purpose to buy from the competition. That would be like taking food from my own mouth.

Your greatest achievements?

I may not be good at marriage, (Laughs), but I’m good at being a mother. I’m proud at how I’m raising my kids. They obviously have had issues based on the activity of my marriages but I’m there for them and I’m loving them and trying to be a great mother.