Delicate balance of resolving marital problems

The only thing knowledge has in common with gossip is that if one does not pass them on, both soon die. In the hope that yours is not gossip, you seem to have a serious problem on your hands, and you must deal with it delicately.

Marital problems are common, and indeed most married people will confirm that disagreements are sometimes the spice that makes the union tolerable.

There are couples who so enjoy making up after a fight that if there is no fight for a while, they create one just to enable them enjoy the affection of making up.

In Okot P’Bitek’s Song of Lawino, Lawino laments that her husband does not love her any more, he is so busy (presumably with other women) that he has no time to beat her.

In this context, beating is a sign that he recognises her existence and cares about what she does, or does not do.

Your neighbour seems to have a serious problem. His wife has left home after a fight.

More often than not, a wife leaves home after prolonged marital strife.

Leaving home for most women, particularly those with children, is a last resort and usually evidence of seemingly insoluble problems.

Before leaving home, the likelihood is that she has spoken to her husband, best maid, mother, pastor, or even hairdresser.

Many these days go for pastoral counselling at their local churches, while others seek help from marital counsellors.

All these are good routes to take and they, in some cases work. I wonder if your boss’ wife has tried them.

In my practice, we tend to see the more complicated cases where issues raised bear testimony to the fact that marriage is a complex business that has to be approached with the same degree of seriousness as we approach any business.

Following the initial (tearful) evaluation and after establishing the fact that in medical practice the desirable outcome is good health, not whether the couple stays together or separates, we sometimes get the couple to do a formal SWOT analysis of their marriage.

This is done independent of each other and discussed later in therapy.

The amazing thing about this method is that even for couples who declare in the first instance that they have disagreed in “everything”, when asked to write down their perceived strengths in the marriage, they end up with greater agreement than disagreement.

Marriage was wonderful

In this scenario, they often start off with the strength that they both want for the marriage to work.

They then often proceed to agree (separately) that when happy, their marriage was wonderful.

Another common strength is the fact that they have “three great children” and on and on it goes.

In the sessions, simply by describing the strength, the couple goes into a new mode of looking at the business of marriage.

By the time they discuss weaknesses, we get them to look at their contribution to the weakening of the relationship.

Put another way, rather than look at the contribution by the spouse, one is required to look at himself to see ways in which they have short-changed the business of marriage, by giving less than they could.

In this exercise one wears the shoes of the other and looks at their business from the others’ perspective.

This is usually another eye opener as most individuals have no idea that they contribute to the breakdown of the business.

The opportunities are similarly described and discussed, and by this time, the couple begins to wonder in amazement at those opportunities available to their family and marriage.

In time, a discussion of the threats posed leads to a discussion of a strategy to consolidate the gains made in marital therapy as they plan a method of monitoring and evaluating the stresses that will inevitably come to the marriage in time.

They are often amazed at how similar marriage is to business.

This outcome though common is not universal, and there are some couples for whom the exercise leads to the early (and less painful) decision to go separate ways.

For all concerned, the decision to go separate ways, if arrived at amicably, leads to greater satisfaction for the couple than for those who fight for months and years on end.

Your employee may be in need of help. If indeed he is dishevelled and unable to work, it is possible that he has become clinically depressed and that he is so deep in his problems that what he needs is a friend like you to talk to.

We often find that depression and marital problems go together.

Depressed people are unable to sustain marriages, while people with marital problems became depressed.

If yours is not gossip, pick up some courage and speak to your employee.

The worst is that he will tell you to mind your own business.