Here is what will hit spouse’s sexual urge

Q “Is there a link between stress and fertility in men? I think my husband’s demanding job schedule is affecting our chances of getting a second child”

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About 20 years ago, I gave a lecture at the Nairobi Hospital on Valentine's Day, titled Stress Sex and Happiness. My recollection is that it was one of the best attended lectures that year. Doctors, nurses and many support staff turned up to hear what was on offer on this most common of human activities. This high attendance got me thinking how much adults understand the relationship between their stress levels and their desire for sex. It was clearly a matter on the mind of many.

Your question suggests that your husband has very high stress levels arising from his workplace and that on this account you are having challenges having a child. As I told my audience at the Valentine’s Day lecture, it is almost impossible to have a good sexual relationship with a person with whom you do not have a good relationship in the first place. If you and your partner do not respect each other for example, then chances are that you will have sexual difficulties.

One of the most important causes of difficulties in a sexual relationship is any form of stress between the couple. In your husband's case, it seems that the problem is that he works too hard by which you perhaps mean that he has no time to pay attention or to focus on matters that are clearly so important to you. It is possible that his priorities and yours are not aligned for whatever reason. His might be career growth while your might be a larger family. It may be helpful to talk about it.

Another important reason for challenges in a sexual relationship, may be related to something we call over familiarity with your partner. By this one means that if your partner bores you prior to or during the sexual act, the result is often a very difficult and challenging sexual encounter between the two.

The loss of novelty between the two of you is another way of putting this particular problem. You simply do not excite one another in the way that you could before. You see one another and are soon turned off.

There are people who, over time lose sexual attraction for each other. This most commonly happens in couples where sex was the most important attraction between them and nothing else seems to have bound them to each other. Such unions lead to sexual tourism when one or other partner keeps moving from one shot-term relationship to another without ever finding permanence.

In your case, you must wonder if indeed your husband's preoccupation with work is his way of telling you that he is no longer sexually attracted to you for whatever reason.

Have you considered asking him what the problem might be? Is it possible that his problem is nothing to do with work and that he is for example worried about his sickly mother! You must not assume that work is the problem. Another reason is the possibility that you and your husband have conflicts that you have not resolved.

If he is angry with you for whatever reason, it may be that he is pretending to be very busy at the workplace as a way of punishing you, or he is expressing his difficulties with the unresolved crisis.

Are you aware of any area in your marriage where the two of you have ongoing difficulties? How do you know he wants a child just now? Does he feel financially secure and able? Poor communication is a big challenge for families in particularly, young ones. Bring this issue to the table now.

As you can see from the foregoing it can be for any one of the many reasons that we have quoted that you and your husband are having a problem getting a second child.