The Mental Health Taskforce formed by the Kenya Government in 2019 held many sittings and one such took place at All Saints Cathedral with faith-based organisations.
A Muslim cleric kicked off a debate that lasted a long time and, which led to several conclusions by the team.
He said in the course of his work, he is sometimes required to make a finding in divorce matters and in his experience, some people come to him because their marriages are not going as planned.
“I intend to get married in a few years’ time but paranoid about getting the wrong partner to settle down with. Are there tell-tale signs that I should look out for during courtship? I am born and bred in a staunch Christian family and I fear running into trouble”
***
The Mental Health Taskforce formed by the Kenya Government in 2019 held many sittings and one such took place at All Saints Cathedral with faith-based organisations. A Muslim cleric kicked off a debate that lasted a long time and, which led to several conclusions by the team.
He said in the course of his work, he is sometimes required to make a finding in divorce matters and in his experience, some people come to him because their marriages are not going as planned.
In his view, a significant number of those seeking divorce, do so because one or other of the parties has a mental illness, usually depression.
Others in the session stated their difficulties. The Christians pointed out that in their teachings, marriage was “for life” and was to exist “in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer”. Sadly for them, premarital counselling did not seem to reduce the instances of marital difficulties. As the conversation raged, other issues came up regarding whether there were instances where one may advice divorce or separation in a spiritual context.
Mental health experts present held the view that indeed there must be instances where divorce is the only available option if one is to stay healthy.
At the end of the day, it was agreed that all those present worked for the same ‘clients’ and that it might be worth their while to get a common understanding of what brings couples together in the first instance, long before one tries to get them to stay together in marriage.
You have told us that you are a Christian and that you a paranoid about who you might end up in marriage with. I assure you that your fear is not without foundation.
The number of people seeking divorce has risen steadily in many parts of the world with the USA having some of the highest divorce rates in the world. Up to 50 per cent of marriages end up in divorce in some countries.
The reasons given for seeking divorce (which is what you seem to fear) are varied and in some cases surprising.
“Our marriage just came to an end” some are heard to say. There was no fight, no major disagreement, but the steam simply run out. For others, more tangible reasons are on offer.
“We had a communication problem” If I wanted to stay at home that was a sign for her to go out”.
“If I wanted silence, she was ready to talk” I simply could not get anything right.
For others, infidelity is cited as the reason for the final breakup but in some instances, this was the evidence of a breakdown in communication in the first instance.
In other cases, financial planning or lack of it becomes the most visible culprit and, in this case, it is not the absence of money that is the problem, by the prioritisation of its application. Those with and those without money also divorce.
We recently came across a couple that wanted to divorce because the girl felt that she had been forced to marry because she was pregnant and Christian girls could not get children without a husband she was told.
She was 20 at the time and six years later she needed to get out as her youth had been stolen from her as she put it.
She had been made to behave like an old woman before her time. She wanted time to be young and to be with her agemates.
So, now you seek a formula to find the best way into marriage and presumably to help you find the best possible outcome.
Sadly, no such formula exists, and like the rest of humanity, you will have to make the best of a very poor system that has been imposed on us by society.
Put simply and rather crudely, you will meet a total stranger in class, church, home estate, or even at a wedding or funeral, and after a few months or years of meeting this stranger (when he/she is at their best behaviour), you will promise “to have and to hold this stranger for the rest of your life”
This must be the worst possible way of making a 23-year-old boy or girl make a life commitment. Dating as a method of mate selection is not good.
Sadly, no better or safer method has been found other than arranged marriages that seem to have slightly better outcomes in some countries.
As a Christian, you might find it useful to use the church system to give you a better chance of finding and keeping a mate.
PAYE Tax Calculator
Note: The results are not exact but very close to the actual.
