There is more to your husband’s decision to quit his job than title

My husband has quit his job because of changes at the office. I think he is just too proud to report to another manager. Why are men so hell-bent on just being called director or manager even if the salary is not that good?
----------------------------------

I must assume that the “changes” you are talking about are at work and not at home although I will come back to this point shortly.

Yours is a very specific concern about men wanting, or needing to be given the title “director”. Your question leads us to another group (most of them men) who seem preoccupied with titles in general.

In Kenya, over the past few years, Governors have been busy trying to settle the debate as to whether they must be referred to as “Your Excellency” and their wives as the “First Lady”.

In a similar vein, members of the county assemblies have insisted on being called honourables.

Many times when doctors are introduced in public, some insist on their title being mentioned to emphasise their importance. Not to be left out, many married women insist on the title Mrs as though to give themselves an additional sense of importance and relevance.

Kenya is an amazing country. In death and funeral announcements all the titles are in place… Engineer Paul Sang, or Architect James Kungu, and Accountant Liz Obura are all things we have become accustomed to and do not give much thought to. Our culture seems to have evolved in such a way that title, ranks and ranking is the order of the day.

Depressed man

So, coming back to your husband, it seems that he is a true member of the Kenyan society, and the term managing director is more important than, as you say, the salary that he gets. Whether this Kenyan way of doing things is good or bad is a matter for discussion another day.

For today, let us look at another matter that you have raised, which is the question of reporting line at the office.

Some years ago, we came across a company that seemed to be losing the most experienced, loyal and passionate employees. After this exodus, the company asked a consultant to establish the reasons for this phenomenon.

He contacted all those that had left and performed the equivalent of an exit interview. The results were shocking in their simplicity.

The new managing director was the problem! She was a most insecure person for many reasons. She was obese, hypertensive and was reported to be having problems with her husband who reportedly drunk too much.

She was short tempered and seemed to make rash decisions which did not match the written strategy for the company.

All the people who had left did so after pointing out to her that she was going against what they considered to be the best interests of the company.

It later emerged that she forced such people to resign because any opinion expressed that did not agree with hers was seen as a threat to her job and a criticism of her ways.

When she lost her job, she became deeply depressed, and her health deteriorated rapidly. The family moved abroad, and her relationship with her husband improved.

But she had destroyed the careers of a number of promising senior managers. The company survived but only after decisive action following an audit of the reasons that had led to the departure of so many workers.

But back to you and your husband. You seem rather angry and upset about what you see as his unreasonable behaviour.

What else is upsetting you about him? Is he also neglecting the family and spending too much time with the boys? Is he perhaps not playing his role as provider or friend to you and the rest of the family? What about his drinking and smoking habits. Are there other things that perhaps upset you about him?

Your question leads me to wonder if you and your husband might not have deeper issues that go beyond his search for a big title at his place of work.

Like the woman who caused people to leave their jobs, your husband could be a depressed man, who impulsively decided to resign because he did not like his new boss.

If I am right, and you have other challenges in your relationship with your husband, then it becomes even more likely that his “problems” are not just at the office, but are more generalised and include the home.

As you can see, yours is not a simple question of the man insisting on being called a manager.

There are other possibilities that could involve the health status of the boss, your husband or even yourself.

Before judging him, and if you can, talk to him and try to get a deeper (and better) understanding of his circumstances.