My boyfriend of six months has been behaving inappropriately. He is constantly accusing me of having affairs despite the fact that I have been faithful to him throughout our time together.
Question:My boyfriend of six months has been behaving inappropriately. He is constantly accusing me of having affairs despite the fact that I have been faithful to him throughout our time together. Initially, I thought he was excessively jealous and possessive but, now, I am not too sure. Whenever I stand next to a man (even in a queue at the bank), he will accuse the man of touching me inappropriately and will violently confront him. If he and I are in the same house but in different rooms, he will regularly come looking for third parties in the house because ‘he can hear me talking to another man in my room’. He even says that he has seen men regularly jump out of my bedroom window as he drives into the compound (the above feat is impossible since I do not have a balcony). I have tried to reason with him but he is fixed in his way of thinking. He, sometimes, becomes very irritable and will go for several days without talking to me—even though we have not had a fight. I spoke to his parents who acknowledged that they too had noticed something unusual in his behavior but put it down to stress. They suggested that I give him time to learn to trust me. Could my boyfriend be mentally ill? If so, how can I help him?
First, I would urge that you practice a lot of caution when dealing with him. It is evident that he may be mentally ill. If he is seeing imaginary people and hearing voices of non-existent people then he could be delusional.
Mental illness is, unfortunately, shrouded in mystery and this prevents many people worldwide from accessing the care that they need. In Kenya, we treat the topic of mental illness as taboo and have a tendency to label it as ‘stress’.
Paranoid schizophrenia
Your boyfriend could be suffering from a mental health condition known as ‘paranoid schizophrenia’. In this condition, one hears voices or sees things that are not there (hallucinations). In addition, they may hold irrational beliefs about something despite there being evidence to the contrary (delusions).
Delusions may include the belief that a spouse is having an affair or is trying to kill them or that the government or a neighbour is spying on them. Schizophrenia is a disorder in the way the mind functions and the behaviour exhibited by people with this condition is involuntary.
The voices are real
Contrary to popular belief, the voices your boyfriend is hearing are real to him. He is not just making them up. He actually sees people jumping out of your 10-storey bedroom window despite the fact that it is not a feasible escape route. Do not ridicule him about it.
What other conditions could explain his behaviour?
If your boyfriend has only began to elicit this inappropriate behaviour recently, then it is important to have him checked for several other conditions that may present themselves like schizophrenia. These include:
—Brain tumours —Illegal drugs and substance abuse —Hormonal dysfunction
Seek help
Contrary to the advice given to you by his parents, do not just sit and wait for him to ‘snap out of it’ and change his behaviour because he trusts you. It is not going to happen. You need to seek professional help. Get a close friend or family member involved in getting your boyfriend assessed by a health care professional, preferably a psychiatrist.
They will be in a position to find out exactly what is going on with your partner. It would be helpful if his family would provide insight as to when his unusual behaviour begun.
The psychiatrist will be able to determine the cause of your boyfriend’s inappropriate behaviour. If need be, he will put him on treatment (in some cases, hospitalization is needed). He will also advocate for on-going counselling for your boyfriend. If there are any illicit drugs causing your boyfriend to behave inappropriately, they too, will be dealt with (rehabilitation).
Take precaution
People with untreated paranoid schizophrenia have been known to, sometimes, hurt those around them —and it is important that you take precaution when dealing with your partner.
Mentally ill people need all the support that they can get but your safety must always come first. Do not be afraid to get out of a relationship in which your personal safety is compromised.
Therapy
If your boyfriend accepts to get help, he will need a lot of support from all those around him. He should not be treated inappropriately because mental illness is no different from any other long-term health issues.
Everyone around him needs to educate themselves about schizophrenia and join in on counselling sessions where need be. Most people with schizophrenia are often isolated and this contributes to their poor compliance to treatment.
