Why you should tell other people your problems, especially coaches

“Do not tell people your problems. Twenty per cent don’t care while 80 per cent are happy.”

If you have not already seen this quote doing the rounds on the Internet, now you have. I’m not sure whose sentiment it is but I disagree. Those are not the only two categories of persons that you will speak to at any given time.

There are those whose chosen work it is to listen to your problems. “Chosen work” is the operative phrase here.

Let us begin with the “chosen” part of the phrase. They choose it because they know firsthand what it means to buckle under the weight of seemingly insurmountable life challenges like few people can.

They are called coaches. Coaches understand how difficult it is to remain positive during those times, how confusing it is to entertain the concept big hairy audacious goals and remain focused on our desired big picture scenarios while experiencing hard times.

They are aware that problems keep us locked up in defeatist thinking yielding unproductive daily actions and/or inactions.

Coaches have an X-ray view enabling them to see right through to the skeletal frame of problems and identify them as bullies of the mind. Problems only reign when those affected perceive themselves as victims.

Coaches help us understand the workings of our minds because all our situations are first created in our minds before we experience them on the physical plane. They know that the mindset is the first port-of-call in problem-solving.

They know that understanding the mind leads to controlling it which in turn empowers us to control our actions and the consequent reactions that we experience as our circumstances.

Coaches hold us accountable to ensure that we dignify ourselves by keeping the commitments that we make with ourselves — our goals.

They know that disappointing ourselves chips away at foundation of our self-worth little by little. And that erodes our confidence. They help us understand how our self-confidence or lack thereof is reflected in everything that we think, feel and do/don’t.

What we do or fail to do is an indicator of our self-image to the world. Coaches are the objective persons who help us see how our problems are merely the world’s way of reflecting our self-image back to us.

At this point, coaches move on to the less glamorous work of showing us why we are largely the problem in our lives. They help us take responsibility for the roles that we play in creating our problems.

Some coaches will coerce while others will pummel us into owning up. Either way, it seldom is a rosy process but they stick with it.

As delicate, uncomfortable and even embarrassing as it can be, coaches push on because they know just how much work it is to change ourselves if we are to be rid of our problems.

They know that such change is not a fleeting emotional high experienced during a one-hour motivational talk. Such change is about overcoming fears that keep us blaming others rather than accepting our responsibilities in undesirable situations.

Coaches intrinsically believe that to walk our talk, to be authentic is the key to a problem-free personal and professional life. They know that when we are at one within ourselves as individuals, it follows that we enjoy a great attitude towards ourselves and others.

A good attitude massively increases our ‘likability quotient’. Yes, coaches are also the persons who make up all kinds of phrases in their chosen work to help drive some points home.

Few coaches will enter you into a popularity contest. They will have you know that what others think of you is none of your business. In fact, they will prove to you that the majority of people do not think, let alone about you.

However, in their quest to unveil the leaders in us, it is imperative that we inspire the cooperation of others — a feat that is easier to accomplish when we are likable. Being likable is not the same as breeding contempt by adopting pedestrian familiarity.

Knowing this, coaches help us internalise the uncomfortable, unusual, non-populist and even a few seemingly abnormal positions that we must take as discerning leaders. These come with the territory of our advancement.

There is a price to pay for any progress”, a coach will say. The greater the advancement we seek, the higher the price we must be prepared to pay.

Go on — speak about your problems — it is neither a sin nor a crime. Problems are nothing to be ashamed of either. The truth is that no single person can effectively solve problems.

The people in your life will quickly sift themselves in various categories. If you only end up with those who don’t care and those who celebrate your problems, stop talking…until you find those whose chosen work it is to listen and help you arrive at lasting solutions.

Ruligirwa-Kamara is an expert on attitude and human potential. Email: [email protected].