Emotional intelligence: How to work productively for a manager you dislike
At the heart of dealing with a boss you don't like is being emotionally intelligent and recognising that, even if you're not leading a team now, you may in the future. What better way to prepare than by learning from your current situation—making lemonade out of lemons.
We all have disliked our bosses at one point. Okay, perhaps dislike is a strong word, but you have feelings of disgruntlement in their presence.
Some may feel they are unfairly discriminated against, which makes them dislike their bosses. It could be because the boss is so nosy that he monitors an employee's social media posts or pits workers against each other.
As an employee, you have to work through feelings of frustration and hurt with your boss to keep things professional and positive during work hours.
Joyce Ngugi, a clinical psychologist, notes that the first sign that you might clash with a boss is when your personalities are not aligning. But you must make an extra effort to understand him or her.
Secondly, it is when the employee feels targeted, witch-hunted, or nitpicked. "For example, in an open-plan office, your boss might hint at you without mentioning your name, but everyone knows they’re talking about you," notes Dr Ngugi.
Self-analysis
She adds that an employee can identify whether or not they dislike their boss by analysing their emails—actions and behaviours.
“Communications that are off in nature, shame-based interactions, and a boss who constantly brings up past issues to humiliate or make you feel uneasy are signs you may dislike your boss.”
Anthony Wachira, a transitions coach, suggests that an employee should first step back from the situation (what causes them to dislike their boss) to assess it before approaching the Human Resource (HR) department.
“This involves trying to understand the boss. Is my boss's boss easy to work with? Could it be that they are the ones pressuring them? v themselves—they are human too. Try empathising with them.”
Isn’t this gaslighting yourself?
Mr Wachira is categorical.“You have to own the process by taking charge. You want to ensure that there is a real problem and that they aren't simply triggering a reaction from an experience."
If you analyse the situation and have a sit-down conversation with your boss, but they are still not changing, Mr Wachira gives the green light to escalate the matter to HR.
“It should be obvious to everyone that HR does not favour one side or the other. They should walk the talk of their policies."
However, if HR is toothless and takes no action despite evidence, then the working environment is toxic, and you need to plan your exit.
Emotional intelligence
At the heart of dealing with a boss you don't like is being emotionally intelligent and recognising that, even if you're not leading a team now, you may in the future. What better way to prepare than by learning from your current situation—making lemonade out of lemons.
“I might be upset, but it is a learning ground to know how to exercise empathy, manage my own emotions, and achieve results through people you do not like,” Mr Wachira adds.
Can you work well ignoring the feeling?
People can cope as long as they don't compromise their core values, which affect fairness, attitude, and ethics. Dr Ngugi explains that when an employee feels they are experiencing a moral injury—where their sense of right and wrong is being challenged—that's a significant problem.
“You might be implicated in the issue, but the most important thing is to think about the perception and consequence of being there," she elaborates.
However, Dr Ngugi does not advise simply quitting but rather managing your emotions as you plan your exit.
"This is because it affects your productivity and can make you demotivated. You can still work through the transition by talking to a therapist to help you remain productive.”
